Family and Holidays…Need I Say More?
I know you have likely heard the phrase “you can’t choose your family.” Well, to me, that phrase is total bullshit. You can choose your family, should you need or want to. Not everyone was born into an awesome family where you actually enjoy their presence.
Ideally, we skip the family gathering all together and reserve a day for just our chosen family, even if it is not on the designated holiday itself. Or we join another family’s event that is way more tolerable and dare I say it, fun…
Unfortunately, I find many of my clients and friends feeling guilted into attending their family’s event (we can totally work on this in therapy, too). I think many believe that by going to the event, they are avoiding more conflict and at least seeing one or a few people they enjoy. In reality, we are only meeting other peoples’ needs, never our own. So, we stay in dread, anxiety, and a negative mindset. I get it. Absolutely no judgment. But, we can change this!
Therefore, since some “family members” or events may be unavoidable right now, I have some tricks and tips you can use this holiday season (or whenever) to help make it tolerable.
1. Manage expectations
Know going in that your b*tch aunt, mom, dad, uncle, cousin, whatever, will continue to be just that. I firmly stand by finding some humor. It is a nice little getaway in one’s head when dealing with these people. It must suck for them to be so miserable. Since we are not joining in misery’s company, we are going to eat some pie, nod our head and make it look like we are listening, all while laughing at them in our own head. Boundaries are also cool to have here (more to come on that). Wait though, you can’t stop here!!! Beware: one must also be able to escape this conversation or avoid it altogether.
2. Make an escape plan (obviously)
This tip, along with tips three and four, are essentials! Pro tip: you need to have them ready to go before you attend. An escape plan can be a verbal, emotional, or physical boundary. It is up to you to decide what is best for you with each person or event, but I think knowing all three would be wise.
3. Know your boundaries going in
Say “no.” No is a great word. It is not a word that is disrespectful or will make people dislike you (but also, would you really mind if your b*itch aunt didn’t like your “no” response? Sounds like you won the lottery for never having to talk to her again).
We must remember that boundaries are for YOU, not for anyone else. Boundaries are put into place to protect your own peace and well-being, not to inflict harm or cause tension for the receiving end. Reminder two: if someone doesn’t like your boundary and tries to attack your boundary, they only benefitted from you when you didn’t have boundaries, and that is, disrespect. Mind Blown.
4. Physically remove yourself (excuses included)
By far my favorite boundary at the holiday season. Not only do you get away from a likely terrible and retraumatizing conversation, but you also get a moment of peace for yourself in a new environment. A chance to breathe, listen to music, go for a walk, or talk to people you want to talk to.
Possible Excuses/Boundaries: *Use at your own moral comfort*
“Oh, we are out of food/drink?! I’ll go get it.”
“I have another engagement to attend, I need to leave.”
“I am not feeling well and need to go home.”
“Excuse me, I need to take this call.”
“My dating/personal life is not up for discussion.”
“I am going to clean up/cook. *cue exit*”
“Please do not ____. If you continue to do so, I will need to ask you to leave.”
“I am going to go on a walk.”
5. Identify a “code red signal” with a true loved one
Another classic tip. If a loved one will be at this gathering with you, develop a safe word or signal with them as a cue to help you escape, especially if your previous escape plan didn’t work. They will be your buddy and support you in finding comfort. This should be the Robin to your Batman or the Patrick to your Spongebob. Nothing like someone to back up your boundary or excuse!
6. Happy Place
I teach my clients this before starting EMDR. The idea is to utilize and develop each one of the five senses in a place you deem as safe/happy/calm. My only rules are that you are the only person in this comfort place (unless you want to bring in fictional characters that offer support, humor, safety, etc.) and that it be a place where nothing would trigger you. For example, my happy place is at the beach in Cancun (I did a solo trip here). I smell salt in the air and the SPF on my skin, I hear the waves crashing, I taste my spicy tacos and cool, refreshing drink of choice. I feel the sand on my feet and the sun on my skin, and see the tide rolling in and out, an umbrella in my drink, and the never ending, clear, blue ocean. Ahh…maybe I am reading a book, getting a massage, or listening to music. Whatever brings you peace, add it in. Once this is developed, go there in your head. You’ll notice your breathing is calmer and your thinking more positive.
7. Bring your favorite snack, dish, drink
Sometimes, having a reliable comfort can make you feel better. It is also a good way to leave a room and go get something to eat – ending said convo. You can also do this by bringing a friend, pet, etc.
—Let me know how your holidays went with your family this year and if you used one, some, or all of these tips. You’re welcome to leave an anonymous comment or share freely! Good luck and happy holidays!
-Stephanie
